Thursday, July 21, 2005

Growing Up

I say that the 20's seem like the hardest times in our lives, but then again, I have no idea what it's like to be anywhere past this time. (And granted I've only spent a year being 20) The 30's seem like they would be easier, but that's only if they're going the way you hoped they would. See, I love my birthday because I love getting older (I don't like looking it though). I'm sure I've said this before, but when I was younger, I looked forward to every birthday because I always felt older than I was. I would say to my mom, "I'm so glad that I can SAY I'm 12 now because I'm actually 30, and now I'm closer to it." I felt like the older I am, the more seriously I would be taken. I hate when people say, "Oh, what do you know? You're only ." Well, I know as much as I know, which is not nothing. Besides, this is the oldest I've ever been, so what's important to me now is the only thing that can be important to me. Anyway, I never understood why people hated their birthdays so much. It's like like at 21 (and I'm almost there) when you're about to turn 22 people (friends) actually FEEL closer to death. That sense of mortality hasn't quite sunk in yet, so what's the big fucking deal? Then someone said to me, "I think people are scared when they turn a certain age and they still haven't accomplished what they thought they would/could by that time." I feel that way about money all the time. I think that I'm not making as much as I thought I would by 20, but then again I haven’t finished college, so I'm screwed. Like my life plan (that I have not mapped out yet) isn't on track, and now it's going to snowball into my being a failure at 40. It's like those movies when the parents are crying because their child didn't get into the right preschool because then they're not going to get into the right grammar school, the right high school, then ivy league, and then never get a good job, and then be homeless. It's all about being on the right track, whatever the fuck that is.

Women and men seem to have their own stresses that they cannot fully relate to. I know men who are panicked because they feel as though if they're not on the right track, they will not be good enough providers. Women are worried that if they're not on the right track, then they'll be too old by the time they want to have children. Though I'm not ready to get married, and I'm a billion years away from ready to be a mother, I still have a clock in my head - or in my uterus. I don't want kids, but I'm afraid that if I don't play my cards right, I will be at a point in my life when I NEED to have kids. Now, that can be scary.

What's so terrifying to me about the 20's is the need for individuality while building a future (that often involves other people). I've seen it all around me. Older people tell us this is the time to be alone and focus totally on ourselves. It is a time to become who you are as an adult, lay out the groundwork both emotionally and financially, build a foundation for which later to build the house. This is a time to know yourself alone. This is a time to develop. This is when we are young, when we still have ambition, energy, and drive. This is the time before you have children to work on yourself all hours of the day, to do as you please, to not answer to anyone. Does this mean not being in a relationship? Not necessarily. It all depends on the kind of person you are, and the kind of person your partner is. Do you two hold each other back, or do you two encourage and support each other to do whatever you need to do? If you find "the One" (this is if you believe in the One, and I have found him), do you let them go if you're in this developmental stage? Will you become who you are only discover that it's nothing without the person you wanted to share your developed-self with?

Is there ever a way to KNOW if you're RIGHT? IS there a right or wrong? Could we actually make a mistake and always know we fucked up? This all seems impossible? We made decisions in our lives and everything we decide is a RISK. Sure, we may know that, but these risks are scarier than others we've had in the past. These are risks that involve a possible future of regret, loneliness, anger, poverty. We do what we need to do, but what if we look back and think to ourselves, "Goddamn it. Turns out it wasn't worth it." Or is that we have to make decisions for ourselves, we HAVE to support ourselves, stick with it, and then MAKE our lives what we want them to be without every looking back and regretting? Or, are we just making excuses for ourselves knowing deep in our hearts that we fucked up?

I have so much more of life to experience and I know I'm still fairly young but I like to over-analyze and think about the future a lot. I just want to be the best and to have the best for me and whoever else decides to come into my life. I don't want to live a life full of "What if's" and "If I would have done that, then..."


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