Tuesday, July 26, 2005

entertainment tonight is destroying our world

"Live 8 is not meant to be a re-creation of Live Aid ... the shows are not intended to raise money, but rather raise awareness of poverty in developed nations."

ok, but now that we are fully aware that people in africa are suffering, maybe take some of that money from ticket sales to actually take care of these people instead of using that money to "raise awareness" by paying off these d-bag performers. these bands weren't actually paid, but given gift bags full of ipods, xm radios, gibson guitars and designer jewelry and clothing...etc. can you believe the world is falling for such dumb ideas? and people actually thinking its a great heartfelt idea.

the world is growing stupid thanks to liberal media pretending to give a shit. just the other night, i heard on the NBC nightly news that they were looking for someone to blame for the heat wave. A HEAT WAVE? are you going to blame a cloud? its typical liberal bullshit to point the finger and i'm sick of hearing it. man up, and give us something to learn from. its the same shit with all these celebrities telling us who to vote for. guess what julia roberts? i dont care about you... at all. dont use your status to sucker weak minds into believing you. why should we care? why do we look up to these people? its all fake. look at magic johnson. didn't he have AIDS like 15 years ago? so shouldn't he be dead by now? great, lets have bono perform more shows in south africa raising 45 million dollars for AIDS awareness because everyone forgot about AIDS.

we've strayed far from the way life used to be. waaaaaaaaay too far and i fear the future. the native americans lived everyday to be content with themselves. and we live to get more and more and more. so much more that we've become obsessed with being better than everyone else rather than being content with having enough.

and speaking of which, girls these days are never content. :) they want everything to be perfect. and guess what? it never will be. so stop picking out names of your children before you have them and live your life for what it is now.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Growing Up

I say that the 20's seem like the hardest times in our lives, but then again, I have no idea what it's like to be anywhere past this time. (And granted I've only spent a year being 20) The 30's seem like they would be easier, but that's only if they're going the way you hoped they would. See, I love my birthday because I love getting older (I don't like looking it though). I'm sure I've said this before, but when I was younger, I looked forward to every birthday because I always felt older than I was. I would say to my mom, "I'm so glad that I can SAY I'm 12 now because I'm actually 30, and now I'm closer to it." I felt like the older I am, the more seriously I would be taken. I hate when people say, "Oh, what do you know? You're only ." Well, I know as much as I know, which is not nothing. Besides, this is the oldest I've ever been, so what's important to me now is the only thing that can be important to me. Anyway, I never understood why people hated their birthdays so much. It's like like at 21 (and I'm almost there) when you're about to turn 22 people (friends) actually FEEL closer to death. That sense of mortality hasn't quite sunk in yet, so what's the big fucking deal? Then someone said to me, "I think people are scared when they turn a certain age and they still haven't accomplished what they thought they would/could by that time." I feel that way about money all the time. I think that I'm not making as much as I thought I would by 20, but then again I haven’t finished college, so I'm screwed. Like my life plan (that I have not mapped out yet) isn't on track, and now it's going to snowball into my being a failure at 40. It's like those movies when the parents are crying because their child didn't get into the right preschool because then they're not going to get into the right grammar school, the right high school, then ivy league, and then never get a good job, and then be homeless. It's all about being on the right track, whatever the fuck that is.

Women and men seem to have their own stresses that they cannot fully relate to. I know men who are panicked because they feel as though if they're not on the right track, they will not be good enough providers. Women are worried that if they're not on the right track, then they'll be too old by the time they want to have children. Though I'm not ready to get married, and I'm a billion years away from ready to be a mother, I still have a clock in my head - or in my uterus. I don't want kids, but I'm afraid that if I don't play my cards right, I will be at a point in my life when I NEED to have kids. Now, that can be scary.

What's so terrifying to me about the 20's is the need for individuality while building a future (that often involves other people). I've seen it all around me. Older people tell us this is the time to be alone and focus totally on ourselves. It is a time to become who you are as an adult, lay out the groundwork both emotionally and financially, build a foundation for which later to build the house. This is a time to know yourself alone. This is a time to develop. This is when we are young, when we still have ambition, energy, and drive. This is the time before you have children to work on yourself all hours of the day, to do as you please, to not answer to anyone. Does this mean not being in a relationship? Not necessarily. It all depends on the kind of person you are, and the kind of person your partner is. Do you two hold each other back, or do you two encourage and support each other to do whatever you need to do? If you find "the One" (this is if you believe in the One, and I have found him), do you let them go if you're in this developmental stage? Will you become who you are only discover that it's nothing without the person you wanted to share your developed-self with?

Is there ever a way to KNOW if you're RIGHT? IS there a right or wrong? Could we actually make a mistake and always know we fucked up? This all seems impossible? We made decisions in our lives and everything we decide is a RISK. Sure, we may know that, but these risks are scarier than others we've had in the past. These are risks that involve a possible future of regret, loneliness, anger, poverty. We do what we need to do, but what if we look back and think to ourselves, "Goddamn it. Turns out it wasn't worth it." Or is that we have to make decisions for ourselves, we HAVE to support ourselves, stick with it, and then MAKE our lives what we want them to be without every looking back and regretting? Or, are we just making excuses for ourselves knowing deep in our hearts that we fucked up?

I have so much more of life to experience and I know I'm still fairly young but I like to over-analyze and think about the future a lot. I just want to be the best and to have the best for me and whoever else decides to come into my life. I don't want to live a life full of "What if's" and "If I would have done that, then..."

Friday, July 15, 2005

job interview

for the past couple of weeks, i have been sending out my resume to a ton of places and going to interviews. i never hear anything back, and when i call, i'll get a voice mail and no one bothers to get back to me. i have a job, but i hate it so much, im not treated fairly and i don't recieve a full time employees benefits. i'm sick of it, so i have been trying my hardest to find something better; to do it on my own and not have to rely on a temp agency to place me somewhere would be absolutely ideal. i'm so sick of taking the time off work(which shows in my pay checks) and going on a dead end interview. why can't employers be straight forward and tell you what they really think about you, and if you even stand a chance being hired? why the hell does everyone sugar coat shit. its so frustrating and so ridiculous and it just makes me feel like a complete loser because they sound so promising on the phone and during then interview, then i never hear back.

i've thought about just quitting nichicon and focusing all my spare time on finding a better job, but then i would have no money coming in, and that would suck a hell of a lot more than my current situation. but what am i supposed to do? keep taking the time off of work to find something better and either risk the chance of them firing me or having an abnormally smaller pay check at the end of the week. *blah* who knows. life just needs to cut me some major slack.

this morning i had an interview at 8am. it was for diamond marketing solutions for a reception position. it pays the same as nichicon but i'd recieve benefits (blue cross and blue shield insurance) ater 90 days, and then i can start a 401k after working there a year. not to mention it's maybe a 5min drive from my house so that would be a major plus, especially when the weather gets crappy and snowy. i dunno, i am so bad at reading certain people. i tried my damndest to just put on the best act possible but who knows. the lady was nice and we seemed to click on a professional level. however, she said that she was going to run the ad again next week and then pick the 4 top candidates for the job and send them back for a 2nd interview. which basically means "if we don't find someone better, you have the job." she did say she needed the position filled asap and i have no problem starting as soon as they need me.

i just cant compete with people. there is always going to be someone smarter and better than you. you could have all the confidence in the world, but its not going to change the fact that someone could do a better job at something than you could. eh, thats my negative side talking, and its been doing it a lot lately. but yeah.

anyways, im done rambling for now. its almost lunch break, i might go to old navy or something and spend some money.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

first entry

let me start off by saying that, yes the picture on the right is me. i suppose this is just as good as LJ, perhaps a tad better, but i won't know that until i've been on here for a little while. i want to change my layout, i really didnt like any of the generic ones that this site provided for me, but oh well. i'm not sure why i decided to start a new blog. i've used livejournal for so long that this new transition is a bit strange. i do like the fact that you can upload pictures right onto your post instead of having to upload them to another site like photobucket and copy and paste the coding. it saves me the trouble, and i like short-cuts so hooray for that. i guess my boyfriend talked me into switching to blogger. he recently started one after switching from LJ as well, and since im a mindless follower i thought i would try and do the same. i still intend to update my LJ every chance i get, theres no way i could leave my friends hanging. i like how LJ has privacy settings too. i really havent noticed an option to change an entry "friends only" or "private." once i look around im sure something will come up.

anyways, enough of complaining. its freezing in my office and i'm listening to U2 "in the name of love" on Q101. life couldnt get any better, except for the measly fact that my ass is sitting at a desk alongside two huge piles of invoices that i haven't even begun to sort through. i am eating a blueberry muffin though, and therefore i am happy. no matter how many piles of papers my boss intends to throw at me, as long as i have some sort of morning nurishment i am good to go.

so im being pretty boring right now. i can assure everyone who has stumbled across my page that i'm really not. i do complain a l
ot though, so thats something to look forward to in future posts.